


What now?

by domUNIQUE



Category: Percy Jackson and the Olympians & Related Fandoms - All Media Types, Percy Jackson and the Olympians - Rick Riordan
Genre: M/M, Running Away, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-11
Updated: 2017-02-04
Packaged: 2018-09-16 20:02:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 19,765
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9287663
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/domUNIQUE/pseuds/domUNIQUE
Summary: Percy has to learn to let go.





	1. Chapter 1

Have you ever fallen so hard for someone that sometimes you find yourself unable to catch a breath? You have to constantly remind yourself to stop staring. Stop staring at the scar on his lip. Stop staring at his electric blue eyes that can be so expressive one moment and so closed off the next. Stop staring at his hands. His strong hands with long fingers that look like they’d keep you grounded. Stop imagining and wishing and praying that you’ll be able to feel those hands on you like a caress.

 

Cause I have.

 

Jason Grace, the future cause of my death because I swear, every time he merely looks at me, I feel my heart skip a beat then beat way too fast in my chest. Jason Grace, my bro, my dude, my best friend. Jason Grace, my current dorm mate since our freshmen year here in Olympus University. Jason Grace, the boy who I’ve been in love with since meeting him in high school when he transferred from California.

 

Jason Grace, current boyfriend of Piper McLean.

 

 

“Percy, man,” I can faintly feel his breathe on my cheek, why is he so close? “You gotta get up or you’re gonna be late. Again.”

 

I peek from under the covers to catch a glimpse of the time. 7:45. That gives me about 15 minutes to wake up, get dressed and run almost a mile to my class. I’m still contemplating the worthiness of this class to go through that much trouble when all of a sudden the sheets are pulled off of me and shivers run all through me because of the cold air.

 

“Hey, man!”

 

‘I know that face. That face says, “That class is stupid, I’m just gonna stay here.” Good thing you have me though.”

 

_If only,_ I begrudgingly think to myself.

 

“Come on, it’s one of your majors. Get up, please.” Jason just has to that thing with his eyes. I don’t know if he’s noticed, but I could never say no when he pouts at me like that.

 

“Fine, fine. I’m up.” I reluctantly leave the comfort of my bed and then have a bunch of clothes shoved in my face.

 

“Here, get changed. I’ll leave with you. I’m meeting Piper at the café near your building.”

 

_Ah, so that’s why he’s so eager to leave. Piper._

I dress in silence with only the sound of yet another chip breaking off my heart as background noise. A little dramatic, but I think it seems fit.

Piper McLean. She was in one of Jason’s class back in freshman year. She’s exotic. Olive skin, eyes that sparkle. They look silver one minute, blue the next. She always has that single braid, sometimes with a ribbon, sometimes beads, more often than not a feather. She’s smart, and witty, studies psychology. In short, she’s everything Jason deserves.

 

I deflate a little at this.

 

In junior year, high school, everything was going as great as it could for a teenage boy I suppose. I had Grover, one of my best friends, who’s currently somewhere in the world protecting an endangered badger or something. It’s hard to keep in contact when wherever he is, is low on phone reception. And of course, I had Annabeth, my girlfriend at that time. She’s great, she studies here at OU, too. Architecture. Junior year was supposed to be like any other, until Jason Grace.

 

Annabeth was the first one to realize how messed up my head got that year. Me and Jason became good friends. I was in swim team while he got into football. We got to know each other in some of our classes, but we really got to hang out after practice since we got off at the same time. We’d meet at the locker room, leave together to grab a snack or just talk.

 

Annabeth noticed how distant I got with her. _I_ didn’t even notice until she pointed it out one day.

 

_“Hey, Seaweed Brain,” Annabeth asks me after our last class for the day, “Wanna get ice cream later after practice?”_

_“Maybe next time, Jason and I were gonna go grab some burgers.”_

_“You hang out with Jason a whole lot.” I didn’t get it at the time that she was fishing for answers. She was always the smart one out of us both._

_“Yeah, he’s kinda fun to hang out with.”_

_“Mm hm. So, do I get to see you this weekend then?” She asks with a raised eyebrow when we stop right outside the door to the indoor pool._

_I scratch the back of my ear then say, “Oh, I was going to catch a movie with Jason this weekend. I hope you don’t mind.”_

_She cocks her head at me and just looks at me for a few seconds, calculating. “Well, your_ girlfriend _would surely like to spend some time with you. Text me when you’re not with Jason anymore.”_

That conversation with her got me thinking. I did spend way too much time with Jason, but that was because he was new at school, he needed a friend. But while I was telling myself this, I knew it wasn’t exactly true. Jason is nice, has a friendly smile, really approachable personality. He could have any friend he wanted. But I wanted to be that friend.

 

I’m abruptly cut off from thinking about all this when the guy who consumes my thoughts suddenly throws a pillow at my face.

 

“Bro, come on. You’re gonna be late for class and Piper is already on her way.” Then he throws my bag at me and pulls me by the arm out our door.

 

I try not to think about how it would feel if he’d hold my hand instead. _God, I got it bad. I got it so bad for someone who is straight as fuck._

We speed walk our way to our destination. I’m trying not to think about how badly I want this boy beside me, while he’s grinning down on his phone, probably texting Piper to tell her he’s on his way.

 

We reach the café first, and of course Piper is there waiting.

  

“Babe!” She runs, _fucking runs_ , to Jason. And of course, he easily catches her in her arms. I try so hard not to show my bitterness but god, it’s so hard not to let how painful this is show.

 

“Hey, sweets.” Jason greets back with a kiss to the cheek.

 

_Well, another chip off I see._

“Hey, Percy!” Piper gives me quick hug. “Wanna join us for some coffee?”

 

She’s a really nice girl, I’m happy Jason has her. Or so I tell myself every time I see them together.

 

“Ah, thanks Pipes, but I really have to go. Class.” I’m already starting to walk away, giving the impression that I don’t want to be late but I really just can’t take seeing him grab for her hand like he won’t ever let her go. Which isn’t really far off.

 

“Oh, maybe next time then. Bye, Percy!”

 

“Pay good attention in class, bro!” And then they’re in the café, giggling with each other.

 

I take my time going to class, I’m not really in the mood to pay attention to anything right now. My heart hurts, I’m sleepy and all I want to do is curl up in bed and try not to picture Jason smiling down on Piper like she’s the best thing to ever happen to him.

 

I arrive 5 minutes late to class, which isn’t all that bad given the time I woke up. Who can even focus at 8 frickin am.

 

My mind wanders again, back to the time finally realized what Annabeth saw before I had any idea what was changing in me.

 

_“How’s Jason doing?” Annabeth asks across from me._

_We’re in the library, studying for a test. It was already the middle of junior year and exams were trying to kill us. A study date seemed like the perfect thing. Well she’s studying, I was texting Jason._

_I pull my head away from my phone to answer her but I stop short. She’s looking at me like she’s trying to tell me something._

_“Oh, uhm, he’s good, I think. Why?”_

_“Seaweed Brain, what are you doing?” She asks, closing her book and giving me all of her attention._

_I suddenly feel like this should be an important conversation so I put my phone down, I don’t bother closing the book I wasn’t even reading. “What do you mean?”_

_“You spend almost all your free time with Jason, I barely get to see you anymore. When we do hang out, its Jason this and Jason that. You text him when you’re supposed to be with me. You barely hold my hand anymore, let alone kiss me.” She pauses when she sees the deer-in-the-headlights look I give her. “Are you still even attracted to me?”_

_I wanted to tell her, “Of course, you mean so much to me.” Or, “You’re gorgeous, Wise Girl, of course I’m attracted you.” Even, “I’m sorry, I’ll stop hanging out with Jason so much.” That last one gave me pause though, because I didn’t want to stop._

_Annabeth just looks at me, like she already knows. “Percy, I think you should think good and hard about_ who _you’re really attracted to.” And with that, she packs up her things and heads out._

_I’m sitting here thinking what she could possibly mean by that when my phone buzzes._

_From Jason: Hey! My mom’s been asking about you. She invited you to dinner after exam week. What do you think?_

What do I think? Of course, I’d love to meet your mom. _Is what I think. But I don’t tell him that. I look to the doors where Annabeth just left, and I get it. I finally get it._

I look up, and the class is already gone. Sighing to myself, another class I basically missed all because I can’t keep my head from floating.

 

I head out and walk over to the cafeteria and see the blonde I have brunch with every other school day.

“Hey, Wise Girl.” I greet her while throwing down my bag on the ground and slamming my head on the table.

 

Of course, that doesn’t get me any sympathy points from my ex-girlfriend, still best friend, because she is one of the best people, ever, no questions asked.

 

“Seaweed Brain.” She says as a greeting, and by what I hear, she didn’t even look up, just keeps on reading her book while snacking on a salad.

 

“Aren’t you going to ask me why I’m so miserable?” I ask, still head down on the table.

 

“You’re a seaweed brain for a reason, Percy. I know it’s about Jason.”

 

I finally look at her and see that she still isn’t paying me much attention. “But don’t you wanna specifically know why?” I try not to sound so whiny, but according to the eye roll she does, I didn’t really succeed.

 

“Was it how he looks so sweet when he sleeps? Or how strong his arms are? Oh, wait no, I bet it’s because he’s so much like Prince Charming it’s not really fair?”

 

Now I’m the one who can’t contain an eye roll. “Okay, okay. I swoon. Sue me.” I hear her mutter a low _If I could, you’ve been in jail a long time ago._ “But really,” then my shoulders deflate, “He’s with Piper.”

 

Annabeth’s eyes soften a little. She’s been with me through this whole getting to know myself bullshit, and she knows how hard it’s been for me. We broke up shortly after realizing how attracted I was to Jason. She wasn’t mad, but she wasn’t exactly happy either. But she was so understanding. Stuck by me throughout the whole accepting I’m gay process. The rest of junior year was such a blur of self-discovery. She was with me when I came out to my mom. She was the one who I could talk to when I noticed just how much I really liked Jason.

 

Senior year wasn’t that bad. By then, I was mostly accepting of who I am, but I decided not to come out to the world. If straight men didn’t need to point out they’re straight, then why did a gay man have to. I saw no point in blurting out to the world I was gay. And maybe I was a little afraid of telling Jason. He wasn’t homophobic from what I could tell, but I was afraid our friendship would change if he ever found out. Still am. He still doesn’t know.

 

Which is something Annabeth opposes to on a regular basis. “Look, Percy, maybe it’s about time you tell him how you feel.”

 

“And then what? Hope he breaks up with Piper? Annie, he’s happy. Like really happy. Like hallmark movie kind of happy. And if I tell him, that would just make living with me so awkward. We’re dorm mates. If I tell him now, for sure he’s going to change dorms next year, and where will I be?”

Annabeth grabs my hand before answering, “Hopefully moving on from him. If you think you don’t have a chance with him, what are you still holding on to?”

 

I know she has a point, I’ve thought about it before. But dammit, he doesn’t even know how happy he makes me. When I’m with him, I just feel, complete. We work so well together. He keeps me grounded since I’m too floaty in the head sometime because of my ADHD. I keep him from overworking himself because he doesn’t know how to lay back. He just, gets me. And I get him. But for him, it’s all platonic.

 

Then Piper McLean happened. They’re both prelaw, that’s how they met. But instead of the stereotypical boring prelaw student, Piper was lively. She was creative and talkative and everything Jason needed in a partner. Which crushed all of Percy’s hopes into confessing how he felt.

 

“I know, Wise Girl,” I say, trying to fight off the tears. I’ve tried so hard to not let their relationship get to me, to just be happy for them, but god does it hurt. And it never really gets easier. “I know that I have to let him go eventually or its going to break me, but I just can’t” That last part was said in a whisper, voice cracking.

 

“Whatever you decide to do, I’m always here for you, alright?”

 

I give her a watery smile, shake my head then get up from the table, “Well, I am starving. I’m gonna grab some food real quick, be right back.”

 

Smile. Smile like it doesn’t hurt. Smile like everything is okay. Because if I don’t, I don’t think I’ll ever recover.

 


	2. Chapter 2

Today wasn’t so bad I suppose. After eating with Annabeth, I went to the rest of my classes for today, thank god it was only two more. So, I’m out by 5 and headed back to our dorm now. Jason should still be in class, he usually ends at night and when he doesn’t, he spends his free time with Piper. All I really need right now is my bed and a little time to myself.

 

A lot of people say that I don’t pay enough attention in certain situations and that’s why I get into so much trouble sometimes, for which I only have myself to blame. I’m more in the _do now, think later_ category. And this is definitely one of those times that if I weren’t so distracted by the idea of sleep, I would have heard the moans coming from inside the room. If I paid attention I could have seen Jason’s tie on the door, I could have just stepped back and walked away without having a mental picture in my head of what he could have possibly been doing inside.

 

But I was distracted. I wasn’t paying attention. Heck, Jason shouldn’t even have been here. Oh, but here he was. Under his sheets, and not alone.

 

I don’t know what was louder, Piper’s shriek of surprise, or what’s left of my heart shattering on the floor.

 

“Dude! What the fuck? Did you not see my tie on the doorknob?” Jason is yelling at me, frantically trying to cover up his girlfriend. I would laugh at the absurdity of that because, yeah, no, boobs do not work for me. But I was too caught up in seeing them like that.

 

I think he’s telling me to turn around but I can’t hear anything. I can’t feel anything. I can’t see anything.

 

But at the same time, I can hear everything. I hear Annabeth telling me over and over again that I either have to tell Jason the truth and face what he has to say, or let him go. I can feel every part of my body hurting. Like there are hundreds, and thousands, of needles poking me at every pore they can find on my skin. Like tiny knives are twisting inside me. And finally, I see Jason. I see him looking at Piper. I see his eyes shine like a part of the sky was cut and placed there whenever they’re together. I see him hugging her, holding her, protecting her. I see them building a happy life together.

 

This, this is when I finally see it. I have to let him go.

 

So, I take a step back, I close the door, and I walk away.

 

* * *

  

I don’t know how long it’s been. I’m just walking. I walked through campus, I walked outside the University gates, I walked through blocks and blocks and I don’t really know where I am right now. But that’s alright. Walking means not sitting and thinking, walking means I’m doing something.

 

But after what feels to be a few hours later I feel tired, I’ve finally noticed how dark it is. I look around me and of course, the cliché heartbreak story that I’m in, I’m near a park. It doesn’t look familiar or nicely lit but right now, I really don’t care. I go to sit on the nearest bench and think of what I should do next.

 

Its been 4 years since I’ve realized how much Jason means to me. 4 years of hiding how I feel about him. Almost 3 having to accept him having Piper. But I don’t think I can take any more. It’s not like I didn’t know they were having sex. They’re both young, and healthy, why not have sex? But why did I have to see it? Why couldn’t it have happened next year, our last year at university. I could have endured it, last push then I’m out.

 

 I don’t think I can kid myself anymore. Another year of repressing, of having to see them together. It sounds foolish, considering transferring schools in the middle of my third year, but I’m in too deep and I have to get out before I break. Plus, I’m not really known for being reasonable.

 

I’m going through the list of schools I applied for back in high school when I feel my phone vibrate in my bag. 27 missed calls and 8 text messages.

 

5:23 From Jason: Bro, where are you? Sorry I freaked earlier.

 

6:15 From Jason: Hey it’s getting late. Why aren’t you answering your phone?

 

7:08 From Jason: Percy it’ll be dark soon.

 

7:10 From Annabeth: Seaweed Brain where the fuck are you?? Me and Jason have been calling you for over an hour.

 

7:29 From Annabeth: Percy, Jason told me what happened. Please answer your phone.

 

7:45 From Jason: Percy seriously, where are you?? I just want to know you’re safe.

 

8:02 From Annabeth: Goddammit Percy

 

8:03 From Annabeth: If you don’t answer your phone right now I’m going to find you and I’m going to slap you.

 

“Well I see your phone is working just fine.”

 

I snap my head up so fast, I almost fall right off the bench. Annabeth is standing a few feet away, arms crossed in front of her chest, looking like she’s trying not to be too angry, but still really scary under the street light like that. I’m too shocked to say anything and the next thing I know…

 

“You hit me!” I grab for my stinging cheek.

 

“I told you I would.” She says calmly as she takes a seat beside me. “Why weren’t you answering your phone? We wouldn’t have worried so much, but Jason said you looked kinda weird earlier right before you left, then you weren’t replying and it was getting dark.”

 

I really don’t know where to start explaining to her what the hell just happened. So instead I ask, “How did you find me?”

 

“GPS works wonders, Seaweed Brain.” She shows me here phone where a map of sorts is open. “Seriously though, are you okay?”

 

Am I okay? No, not really. Annabeth takes my hand, “What happened?”

 

I sigh and everything in me deflates. “I don’t know. I didn’t notice Jason hung a tie to the door. I wasn’t really looking; he wasn’t even supposed to be home yet. When I walked in, I saw them. Annie, something inside me broke. I just…I couldn’t. I just needed to get out for a while.”

 

“It’s been hours, Perce.” She squeezes my hand a little tighter.

 

“I know, I’m sorry. I really didn’t notice. I’ve just been walking around. Where are we anyway?”

 

She gives me that trademark smirk of hers that tells me I’m a doofus. “Jupiter Park, it’s actually near campus. I think you circled some part of the city to end up back here.” I really don’t know what else to say so I just nod. Annabeth stands, “Come on, the map says there’s an ice cream shop nearby.”

 

Any other day I would have said yes, but now, I just want to look into which schools I can transfer to. Annabeth is already walking when I ask, “Is it okay if we just head back?”

 

She pauses and looks at me, I really don’t know if that’s pity in her eyes. I’d rather not know. “Yeah, yeah, of course.” Her voice is soft, like she’s talking to a wounded animal. I guess it’s not really that far of then.

 

We walk back to campus in silence. I can feel her looking at me every now and then, but I’m too lost in my own thoughts to really care. I have a few months left until this semester ends, by next sem I could be out of here. I’m mentally tracking the rest of the night, visiting schools’ online websites and check what requirements I’ll need to get from the registration office. If I need letters from professors or whatever. I’m still trying to remember which other schools I liked when we arrive at the university gate.

 

Just as we step in, Annabeth asks, “Want to tell me what’s got you thinking so hard?”

 

I hesitate telling her for a second, “I’m thinking of transferring next semester.”

 

She whips her head at me, eyes wide, “Because of Jason? Seriously, Seaweed Brain, you don’t have to be so dramatic.”

 

“I’m not trying to be dramatic, Annie.” Everything inside me is pouring out now, all the hurt, the longing. “God dammit! I love him, Annie! And every time I see him with her, it breaks me.” I didn’t notice that I’ve stopped walking and started crying. “Every single fucking time he smiles at me, it’s like the sun is shining just a little bit brighter. But then he smiles a special smile at her and, god, it hurts so bad.” I’m down right balling my eyes out now. I don’t even notice Annabeth hugging me. “I don’t want to hurt anymore.” This last line barely comes out, but based on her hugging me a little tighter, I know she heard.

 

“Okay, okay. I understand alright, why you don’t want to tell him. But do you really think transferring is the best decision? You could just change dorms, room in with Leo or something.”

 

“But we’ll still be on the same campus. There’s still too many chances for me to see them together... I can’t anymore. I just can’t.” God, I want to stop crying, but 4 years of repressed feelings are coming out.

 

She so sighs then holds me at arms-length. I can’t keep my head down, and feel her cup my face with both hands. “Do you want to come to my dorm? I’ll help you go over what you need to transfer.”

 

This just makes me cry a little harder, where the hell would I be without this wonderful girl in my life.

 

* * *

  

We spent all night going through schools that have good marine biology courses. We picked three schools I could apply to, but my number one is Janus University, on the opposite side of the country. We stayed up all night listing down things I need to get from my professors and forms I need to fill up. We also spent some time eating ice cream Annabeth had and just me accepting how things played out. By the time we finished everything, it was already 2am and I was too physically and emotionally drained to go back to my dorm room. I just crashed with Annabeth.

 

Today I have to go to the registrar’s office and tell them my plans. But before I could go I have to stop by my dorm for a quick shower and a change of clothes. I’m hoping Jason already left for class when I get there.

 

When we got to Annabeth’s last night, I texted Jason telling him I didn’t notice my phone and that I was already with Annabeth. All I got as a reply was, _okay._ That’s that I suppose.

 

When I arrive at our door, I make sure this time to check if he left a tie. No tie this time, hopefully no Jason in there as well.

 

But because the world hates me, he’s right there sitting at his desk, most probably doing homework. When I open the door, he turns to me, “Hey, man!” So sunny, so full of happiness. And I’m here feeling hollow inside.

 

I just nod at him in greeting, hoping my attempt at a smile is enough to placate him. I’m heading towards my dresser to get my change of clothes when he says, “Bro, I’m so sorry bout last night. My class was cancelled and we didn’t notice the time. Sorry about what you saw.” _Not as sorry as me._ “I promise next time we’ll make sure to do it when I know you have class.”

I close my eyes and have my back turned to him. I don’t want him to see how much what he’s saying is killing me.

“Dude, don’t worry about it.” I try to laugh it off, “No harm done.” Understatement of the century. I hastily gather my clothes and leave for the shower, all the while hiding my face so he can’t see the tears in my eyes.

 

After composing myself in the shower, I’m in and out of our dorm before Jason can say any more. He knows I don’t have class until the afternoon so I don’t really have to rush anywhere. He’ll ask where I’m headed to, but I’m not ready to tell him yet that I’ll be leaving. He’ll ask me why, maybe even try to convince me not to go, and that’s a conversation I can't see myself surviving.

 

* * *

 

Ever since that night, I try to spend as less time possible as I can in our dorm. Most nights I crash at Annabeth’s. When I can’t I make an excuse to go home late, I study at the library until I can’t see straight, sometimes I go back to Jupiter Park to just sit and not think.

 

I don’t see Jason as much anymore, when I do go to our dorm I make sure to go when I know he has class. The few times we’ve both been there were few and far between and I rush through getting what I need, always telling him I had to be somewhere so I can’t sit and talk.

 

It’s only a few weeks left of this semester left. I’ve talked to my professors, I’ve passed all my requirements, I even took the mandatory entrance exam. I just got the letter saying that I got accepted at Janus University. I don’t particularly care for the other two now that I know I can be as far away from here as possible. Just a few more days and I’ll be out. I just have to survive the last of my finals, then I’m packing my bags and never looking back.

 

But sometimes I doubt my decision, maybe going away wouldn’t fix anything. But then Jason mentions Piper off handedly, or I see them together across campus, and then I’m reassured, distance is what I need to move on.

 

I’m going back to my dorm now to get a book I need for one of my majors. I’m distracted thinking about which chapters I need to focus on when I enter our room that I don’t notice Jason sitting on his bed. I grab my book and am about to leave when he speaks up, “Hey.”

 

I startle and drop my things. My bag was partially opened so all my stuff flies out. And ever the gentleman, Jason helps me gather my things but then his hand pauses on the letter, he sees the university logo and looks at me with confusion.

 

“What’s this?” He pulls back and we both stand. I’m at a loss right now, I didn’t want him to find out like this. I planned to just leave and let him figure it out after break that I wasn’t coming back. Dick move, but oh well, I’m a selfish bastard with a broken heart, sue me.

 

When I don’t respond, he opens the already torn envelope and reads. His eyebrows furrow and looks at me like he doesn’t know what he’s looking at. He looks back down at the letter in his hands. “You’re leaving?” He’s not looking at me so he doesn’t see me nod. I can’t talk about this right now, I wasn’t ready.

 

When I move to take the letter, he takes a step back. I can’t tell what he’s thinking when he looks at me. “Why are you leaving? Why didn’t you tell me?”

 

I’m finding and gathering all the strength left in me to keep myself together. “I just thought it would be a nice change, it really isn’t working for me here anymore.” I try to act like it’s not that big of a deal but Jason’s reacting otherwise.

 

“What do you mean it isn’t working here? Are you struggling? Is that why you’re out all the time? You could have asked me for help, Percy. I would have helped you.”

 

“No, it’s not that. Plus, I know how busy you get with pre-law, and when you do have free time you spend it with Piper. I didn’t want to get in the way.”

 

“Get in the way? Bro, you know I would have made time if you really need me.”

 

I close my eyes, and try not think too much in what he just said. He means time to study, that’s all.

 

“Janus University, as in the university at the other side of the country? What the fuck, man? When can we hang out now?”

 

_We’re not supposed to, that’s the point._ “It’s just a year, bro. I might come back after graduation. There’s a lab here that does great studies.” Not likely, but what else am I supposed to say.

 

“Then why move across the country if you’re just going to come back?”

 

He’s pacing now and I’m just standing here trying to keep myself together. If he keeps this up, I might end up saying things we’ll both regret.

 

“Look, Jace, I just feel like Janus U has a better program for me. They go to tours and actual interaction with marine life. I want that.”

 

“But, what am I supposed to do without my best friend here to keep me sane?”

 

What’s left of my heart shatters then. _Please stop. Please don’t say things like that to me. Best friend. I will always only be a best friend._

“You have Piper. And really, I need to go. We have finals. Can we talk about this after?”

 

He stops pacing and looks at me, he gives me back the letter and nods.

 

* * *

 

We never did talk. Three days later, after my last exam, I rush to the dorm, pack what’s left of my things I didn’t already send out, and leave. But not before leaving Jason a letter. The last thing he’ll hear from me for a long time.

 

* * *

 

I rush to the dorm, knowing it’s both our last day of exams. Percy never told me when he was leaving but I did notice his things getting fewer and fewer. I was supposed to end earlier but that exam was killer. I’m hoping we could finally talk about him leaving before he goes.

 

I don’t know why I’m so upset, I know Janus U is a great school. But why does it have to be so far away? If he wanted to transfer, why not pick something a little closer?

 

I’m skipping the stairs two at a time. A part of me feels a rush I can’t begin to explain or understand. I just need to see him.

 

When I finally get to our room, I already feel like something’s missing. I open the door and see Percy’s side of the room bare. His Aquaman poster isn’t there anymore. His ugly seashell isn’t on his dresser. His blue sheets aren’t on the bed.

 

He left.

 

I don’t understand why it hurts. I mean, I’m his best friend and he didn’t tell me he was leaving. I found out by fucking accident. It should hurt, but does it have to hurt this much?

 

I’m sitting on the edge of my bed trying to get a grip on what happening when I see the letter on my desk.

 

_Dear Jason,_

_I’m sorry I didn’t stick around to say goodbye. I needed to get to the airport right away._ (Airport? He hates flying.) _I’m sorry we didn’t get the chance to talk. But please try to understand that this is what I want, what I need._

_There’s someone I need to stay away from right now. And before you go Superman, no, I’m not in danger._

_But I do love this person. I love this person a whole lot, have for a while now. But this person loves someone else, and well, they’re happy. As much as I want to be happy for them, I just can’t right now. Someday, I hope to see them again and genuinely be happy, for me and for them. Until then._

_Take care of yourself Superman._

_Love,_

_Percy._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Will Jason find out the truth? Stay tuned for more.
> 
> That sounded so much like a comic or something. Seriously though, hope you guys liked this chapter. Don't be shy to tell me how you think about it.


	3. Chapter 3

Break was a blur. I usually had enough free time to hang out with Percy. We’d go for runs in the park, watch a movie when something good was showing, we’d meet up and grab a bite to eat. But not this break. Percy was all away across the country this time.

 

I went to the gym almost every day just to have something to do. Piper was always around. We’d go on dates now that we had a bunch of free time. We went to a movie that I was originally planning on seeing with Percy since it was about dolphins, I thought he’d like that. Piper fell asleep almost half way. We were at the back and she tried to stir up some things but for some reason I wasn’t up for it. I kept thinking that Percy would have loved this movie.

 

When the semester was about to start, I got ready and went to the campus a week early. It felt weird, being in a dorm knowing I’d be roomed with someone else. I keep trying to imagine Percy coming back and surprising me, saying he’d changed his mind and didn’t like it at all in JU. But that didn’t happen, of course it didn’t.

 

A few days later my new roommate shows up, Frank. A big guy, I was almost intimidated by the sophomore. But I got to know him better the first few weeks and found out he was really just a big ol’ teddy bear with a really sweet girlfriend named Hazel.

 

Frank was nice enough, he always kept his side of the room neat. We’d grab dinner from time to time when we were both free. He even asked me to help him since he was also pre-law. But it just wasn’t the same without Percy. It was too quiet without his constant chattering in my ear. _God, I miss him._

 

I haven’t heard from him since his letter he left. I keep thinking about who he could possibly be in love with without me noticing. I’ve been his best friend since we met in high school, we were roommates before he left and I never noticed anything. He never said anything.

 

If he was so heartbroken, why couldn’t he have come to me about it. I could have helped him get over it. We could have gone out, gotten some drinks, anything. But nothing, he had to tell me when he was already gone.

 

I tried talking to him, reaching out since I didn’t want to lose my best friend just because he moved. No response though. I don’t understand why he’d shut me out like that.

 

A few months after the semester started I see Annabeth at one of the tables under the gazeeboes. We weren’t that close, not like her and Percy. At first I thought maybe he was talking about her. Maybe he never really got over her when they broke up in high school. It was a little abrupt. He never told me any details, just that they were better of as friends. They hung out after, were still close when we went to uni, he never dated anyone else. So, it had to be her right?

 

He grew distant after that night Annabeth went out to get him after bolting when he saw me and Piper. Maybe he wanted that with her? Did he tell her and she didn’t feel the same way?

 

But then I remember Percy saying in the letter that that person was in love with someone else. I never saw Annabeth with anyone that looked like she was involved with romantically. Or maybe she was with someone, I just didn’t know.

 

I push all those thoughts away and jog up to her. She might know who Percy was in love with, the cause of me not seeing my best friend again. “Hey, Annabeth!”

 

She looks up from the book she was reading. “Hey, Jason. What’s up?”

 

“Have you heard from Percy? He never replied when I tried to reach him.”

 

She looks a little startled, but schools her features before replying, “Oh, he’s been a little busy adjusting there at Janus. But he says he’s been having a lot of fun in his classes. Says they immerse their students more there so he hasn’t had the time, playing catch up and all.”

 

I don’t know what to think of this, he never said anything to me. I feel a little hurt that he found the time to tell Annabeth all this but not me. We were supposed to be bros. “Oh, yeah, okay.”

 

I’m trying to decide if I should ask her about who Percy was referring to in his letter. But at the same time, it did seem a little personal. I didn’t want to share some things that aren’t mine to share.

 

But I just needed a few answers. _Fuck it._

“This is weird, but, did you know if Percy was attracted to anyone?”

 

She tilts her head at me, looking at me with calculating eyes. Instead of answering, she asks, “Why would you ask that?”

 

“It’s just, he left me a letter before he left an- “

 

“A letter?” She cuts me off before I could finish, “What did he tell you? Why would you think he’s attracted to anyone?”

 

I guess there’s no holing back now. “He said that he was leaving because he needed to be away from someone. It’s just, I’m his best friend and he never said anything to me. Heck, I never even noticed he was head over heels for some girl.”

 

Her eyes turn a little sad before they turn stoic once more. “You think I know who Percy’s in love with?”

It’s my turn to cock my head at her. “I never said he was in love.” A pause. “So you do know her, don’t you?”

 

She closes her book and stands, “You should ask him, Jason. If you’re so close, I’m pretty sure he’ll tell you who it is. Why won’t you ask him yourself?”

 

_Because I don’t want to know who this girl he’s fallen for._

My eyes widen at my sudden realization. But that doesn’t make any sense. Why wouldn’t I want to know who he likes. Well, not likes, _loves,_ apparently.

 

“He won’t talk to me. I’ve tried texting, and calling, every time I get his voice mail.” I can’t help but pout a little at this.

 

Annabeth cocks her head, again. “Look, whoever he is or may be attracted to, why does it matter?”

 

_Is she serious?_

 

“What?! What do you mean why does it matter? She’s the reason he’s all the way across the country! She broke his heart! She deserves, I don’t fucking know what. But she’s why I don’t have my best friend with me now. I just want to know what’s so special about her that made him leave like that.” I can’t believe she’s downplaying Percy leaving.

 

She looks away and whispers under her breath, “You and me both.” I don’t think I was supposed to hear, but I heard her anyway. Which makes me doubt my assumption that she’s the girl Percy was referring to.

 

Annabeth scares me a little and me lashing out isn’t the smartest things I can do with her. But I have to know. _Zeus almighty, protect me._

“Tell me the truth, is Percy still in love with you?”

 

That was absolutely the wrong thing to say. Her eyes are hard and I swear I can see a little fire behind them, you’d think she was a daughter of Ares.

 

She takes a step toward me, and I gulp so hard I’m sure she can see it. “Look, _Grace,_ I’ve been beside Percy frickin’ Jackson since he got even more seaweed brained and fell for this dense, insensitive, and naïve human being. Fuck, I was the one who pointed it out to him because he couldn’t see it at first. Don’t you go around accusing me of breaking his heart when you were off gallivanting and not even notice he was hurting, you sick mother-“. She storms off muttering, and cursing me all the way.

 

It feels like I was handed the world to carry. My shoulders sag as I make my way back to the dorms. What she said really hit home. How can I call myself Percy’s bro when I never noticed anything? How could he have been so heartbroken that he felt like he needed to _transfer_ and me not see it.

 

When I arrive at our room, I head straight for my desk, hoping that studying would help distract me from feeling like, _this._ Whatever this is. I just feel like something’s been missing ever since Percy left.

 

* * *

 

 

The semester is almost over and things haven’t really gone that well. Me and Piper have been having a lot of fights. We haven’t gone out for dates much now. She says I haven’t been spending enough time with her, that I’m always too busy or too distracted. I can’t really blame her. I don’t know what’s going on with me but it seems like focusing on simple tasks is taking a lot out of me. I’m spacing out in my classes. When I’m studying, I can’t get pass a single paragraph.

 

I haven’t been intimate with Piper since that last time when Percy walked in. I don’t know what’s wrong, but I never feel in the mood when Piper tries to push me down on the bed. Holding her hand doesn’t give me the goosebumps I used to get. Kissing her doesn’t send butterflies in me. Holding her in my arms, it doesn’t feel right. Nothing has felt right in a long time.

 

Is this what they meant went the spark flickers out? What are you supposed to do now when that happens? I still feel strongly for her. Everything was going great between her and me. Before break I’d make sure that I had enough time for her. I promised myself that even though classes are hectic, I wouldn’t make her feel neglected. But that’s exactly what’s happening now.

 

I try to find it in me to keep that promise. Piper deserves so much more than me being moody. I have to step up and make an effort. So, I stop trying this sorry attempt of writing a paper for class and grab my phone.

 

5:43pm To Piper: Hey Sweets, wanna grab dinner?

 

It doesn’t take long for her to respond.

 

5:45pm From Piper: I’d love that. Are you in your room? I can meet you there.

 

5:45pm To Piper: Yeah, I’m getting ready now. See you in a bit.

 

5:46pm From Piper: :*

 

After changing from my sweats into more presentable clothes, I lean back on my bed waiting for her. I pass the time by going through Facebook. It’s been a while since I’ve used any sort of social media.

 

I’m beginning to get bored by all the memes people are posting when the next post sucks the breath right out of me. Percy posted a picture of him with a guy’s arm around his shoulders and his own around the guy’s waist. They look…cozy. I don’t understand this heavy feeling surrounding my chest all of a sudden. I sit up and drop my phone in the process. I take a deep breath and look at the picture again. Percy has that big shit eating grin he has when he’s immensely happy. His grip looks tight. The guy has light brown hair, a little tan but still a little lighter than Percy. They must be in the same program since they’re out all the time with immersion, well I assume. He is looking at Percy in the picture. His eyes show, care? Infatuation?

 

My eyes widen, my grip goes slack, my phone falls once again. In Percy’s letter, he never said he fell for a girl. He never used pronouns. He never said “she”. Annabeth never confirmed that it was a girl, too. Is Percy…gay?

 

I’m frantically searching my desk for the letter when there’s a knock on the door. I completely forgot grabbing dinner with Piper. I try to compose myself, take a breath, and attempt to put all these questions brewing at the back of my head.

 

I open the door, baring a smile on my face. She practically leaps into my arms. I catch her easily, reflex. But it doesn’t feel the same anymore, like the pieces no longer fit.

 

“Babe! I’m so happy we’re grabbing dinner. I’m starving.” She quickly let’s go, grabs my hand, and we’re out the door.

 

She’s telling me about her day, how her studying is going, but I’m only half listening. I swear I’m trying, trying to be the good and attentive boyfriend. But I can’t get that picture out of my mind.

 

I’m still trying to gage if that picture was just friendly or maybe something more when I feel Piper tugging on my hand. “Babe, are you even listening?”

 

I shake my head a little, trying to put that damn picture out of my head. “Hey, yeah, I’m sorry. I’m swamped with school work, I thought I can stop obsessing for a night.” I try to give her a genuine smile as I look at her. “What were you saying?”

 

“I kept asking where you want to eat. We’ve stopped walking for almost three minutes now.” She huffs at me.

 

I feel like such a jackass. “Sweets, god, I’m sorry. I swear, you have my undivided attention for the rest of the night.”

 

She smiles that sweet smile at me, the reason why I started calling her “Sweets” to begin with.

 

But I didn’t, couldn’t, give her my undivided attention. I tried, god, how hard I tried. There were no more spacing out incidents, but that picture was always there, at the edge of my mind.

 

We ended up going to this Italian place we used to go to at least once a month, until I started acting like this, distant. The menu was good for students on a budget, the atmosphere light, just a walk away from campus. And as much as me and Piper love going here, me and Percy went even more. Carbs was always the answer for a hungry Percy.

 

I just can’t get him out of mind since he left. I can finally admit to myself just how much I miss him and him not being here is crushing me.

 

After dinner, I walk Piper back to her dorm. She not so discretely tells me that her roommate isn’t back yet, but I decline. I feign exhaustion. I see her eyes flash a little frustration but I can’t fake being in the mood. So give her a light peck to her cheek and walk back to my dorm.

 

* * *

 

 

I’m back in my dorm, laying on the bed, the letter by my pillow and phone in hand. I don’t know why I keep staring at Percy’s picture. I check his profile to see if there are any more picture of them together but there’s none, just posts he’s shared from Tumblr, I think.

 

I scroll back up and notice the guy is tagged. Luke Castellan. I click on his profile. Thankfully it’s not that private and I can see photos he’s posted. Mostly are cinematic views of the water or undersea life.

_This is crazy. I’m stalking some guy just because Percy posted a picture of them. That doesn’t necessarily mean anything except that he’s made new friends._

But I keep scrolling anyway, until I wished I hadn’t. There’s another picture. Two male figures facing the ocean, the sun just about to set in the horizon. You can only see their silhouette. I’m assuming the guy on the left is Luke. If I didn’t know Percy so well I wouldn’t even know that’s him on the right. But I’d know those swimmer’s shoulders anywhere. Percy is standing beside Luke, holding his hand.

 

There’s that weight filling up my chest again. I don’t understand why I’m reacting like this. I mean, nothing confirms Percy being gay or that him and Luke are a thing. I’ve held Percy’s hand before. But not like this. Not with a breathtaking view like this. Nothing so…intimate.

 

I feel drained all of a sudden. I shut off my phone, and hope sleep takes me.

 

* * *

 

 

One last week of finals left then this year is finally over. I’m at the library trying to focus on this damn book. I tried studying back at the dorm but I keep distracting myself by glancing at my phone. So, I decided that a change in scenery would be good for me. I grabbed my books and notes and headed off to the library, hoping I could get some studying done. I’ve been here for almost 3 hours now and I’m still at the same chapter I begun with.

 

My mind keeps wondering off to Percy. If he was gay, why didn’t he say anything to me? It’s not like I would have made a big deal out of it. I wouldn’t judge. I feel a little hurt. For ever how long he’s realized this, I’m pretty sure that I was already his best friend by then. When I met him, he was dating Annabeth, that means he only realized after, right?

 

I’m sulking when I notice said ex-girlfriend walk in. I don’t know if I should approach her after our last conversation. But if anyone knows the truth, it would be her. I feel so much like snooping into Percy’s business but he hasn’t talked to me at all since he left.

 

I tried texting him again, the day after I saw the photo, asking him how he was. He never replied. That was a week ago. And I can’t just up and ask him if he’s day. But can I ask Annabeth that?

 

I take a deep breath. It already feels like I lost my bro, what more can I lose?

 

I get up and approach Annabeth at her table. When I’m almost there, she looks up from her things that she’s getting out of her bag and narrows her eyes at me. “What do you want now, Grace? I’m busy.”

 

I take a seat across from her. “Look, I’m sorry about last time. I didn’t mean to come off judgmental or spiteful. I just, I just miss him, you know?” That’s the first time I’ve confessed that to anyone else besides myself. “I just wanted to know why he left without so much as a goodbye to my face, he couldn’t even wait a little while.” Annabeth still has a stern face, but her eyes soften. “Please, do you know who Percy is in love with?”

 

“Yes. But it’s not my secret to tell.”

 

Here goes nothing. “Is it because it’s a guy?”

 

I have never seen Annabeth’s widen like that before. “Why would you think that?”

 

“He never said in his letter that it was a girl, just referred to him as just ‘this person’. Even you didn’t mention any pronouns last time. I just thought…”

 

“Should that mean anything?”

 

“Plus I saw his photo, of him and this guy. They looked pretty cozy.”

 

She raises her eyebrow at me, “That doesn’t mean he’s gay, though.”

 

My shoulders slump. I guess I won’t get any information today. I’m about to stand when Annabeth asks, “Jason, I can see that it’s hurting you, him leaving so out of the blue. But you have to understand, he’s been in love for a long time. He had to see the person he loves fall for someone else and act happy about it. He tried to be the supportive friend, but it was killing him. He didn’t want to say anything because they were happy. Whether it be a guy or girl, he felt like he didn’t have a chance and he just couldn’t fake it anymore.”

 

“I understand that. But why did he have to leave like that? Based on how well you’re taking him leaving, I assume you knew about his plans.” I pause, waiting for a reaction. She hesitates, but nods eventually. “He told you, but why couldn’t he tell me? We lived together for god’s sake. I had to find out by accident because his acceptance letter fell out of his bag. If that didn’t happen, what? After break I’d find out he wasn’t enrolled here anymore? How fucked up is that?”

 

She doesn’t respond immediately. She’s looking at me like she’s thinking of what to say next. “I’m pretty sure you have all you need to know to figure it out.” And with that, she goes back to sorting her things, actively dismissing me.

 

* * *

  

Finals are finally over, the first semester ever without my bro. I barely passed my exams, hung on by the ends of my fingertips.

 

I’m alone in the dorm. Frank finished his finals early so he headed back to his home yesterday. I’m packing my things to bring back home for break when someone knocks on the door.

 

“Piper? Hey, come in.”

 

I go back to packing and Piper sits on Frank’s bed when she says, “I think we need to talk.”

 

I pause. “About what?”

 

“You’ve been distant.”

 

I take a seat on my bed, facing her. “Piper, look, I’m sorry. I think it messed me up a little having to adjust without Percy. I always felt like home with him, you know? We’ve been friends for so long, I got a little unbalanced without him here. I’ll do better, I swear.”

 

She looks at me sadly, “I don’t think you will though.”

 

“What? Pipes, this doesn’t have to be an issue anymore. This semester sucked but I’m over it now. We’ll be fine.”

 

“And what if Percy doesn’t come back?”

 

“Then he won’t come back.” I try to act confident in my answer. “I have you, you’re all I’ll ever need.”

 

She has tears in her eyes now. “Think about it, Jace. You’ve been a wreck ever since he left. You haven’t paid me any attention for months now. It’s like you broke up with him.”

 

“I know I messed up, Pipes. I’ll fix it.”

 

“How? By forgetting your best friend?”

 

I don’t know how to respond. Is that what I should do? Should I forget all about Percy? Can I forget?

 

No. I don’t think I can.

 

When I don’t say anything, Piper gets up from the bed and hold my cheek. I close my eyes and feel tears forming. I try to keep them at bay but one tear rolls down. “It’s okay to love him.”

 

I open my eyes at that. I do love Percy, but as my bro.

 

Piper kisses my cheek one last time before leaving. Another person leaving me behind. I compose myself as best as I can and continue packing. I think back to how I first met Piper and how I planned our first date. I was in this bed when I was planning that.

_I can’t keep the smile off my face as I’m leaving my last class for the day, for the week. I feel like I’m on cloud nine._

_I enter our room and see Percy at his desk with his laptop on. I land on the top of my covers on my bed and can’t help the satisfied sigh that leaves my lips._

_Percy swivels on his chair to face me. “What’s got you so happy, Grace?”_

_I feign ignorance and ask, “What do you mean?”_

_“Dude, you just walked in here whistling and now you have that stupid smile on your face. What’s up?”_

_I sit up and I can’t contain myself anymore. “Bro, I met this awesome girl in class today. She’s taking psych as her pre-law. How awesome is that? And she’s gorgeous, damn. She has these eyes, man, like, they shine. I can’t even explain it. She’s so cool and down to earth. And, god, I can’t even begin to describe that smile of hers.” I keep rambling about all these little things that I don’t see Percy’s smile crack._

_When I’m done, Percy swivels back to face his computer but keeps the conversation going. “Yeah? She sounds great.” I don’t catch his voice breaking. “What’s her name?”_

_“Piper.” This time, I hear how dreamy I sound. “Piper McLean. I asked her out this weekend. We’re gonna go grab dinner.” Then I remember. “Oh fuck, we were gonna watch a movie, weren’t we?” Percy is still facing his laptop but I see him nod. “Can we catch it next weekend? Sorry bro, but I really want to impress her on our first date._

_“Bro, I totally understand.” I’m too preoccupied thinking of what we could do that I don’t see Percy deflate, shoulders sagging. But I do notice him packing his things when he says, “Hey I’m going out to the library. I’m missing a chunk of research for this paper.” Then he ups and leaves._

I pause. Percy was in love with someone for a long time. Maybe even since high school? Is that why he and Annabeth broke up? He said he couldn’t say anything because that person fell for someone else? Did he mean me when I met Piper? Did he never tell me because it was me? Does Percy love me? Does Percy _still_ love me? Is this why Annabeth couldn’t say anything either.

 

Percy became distant and was avoiding me after that incident with Piper. Oh, god.

 

Oh my gods. Oh my fucking gods. Perseus Jackson fell in love with me. And I hurt him. It’s taken me, this long to figure it out. It’s taken him leaving and holding another guy’s hand for me to figure it out.

 

_Holding another guy’s hand._ So, that means he’s over it, right? What he felt for me doesn’t matter anymore.

 

God, this is too much heartbreak for one afternoon. But why would I be heartbroken? I should be happy for him. He left because he was hurting, now he’s not anymore. He found someone who’ll notice his affection, someone who can reciprocate it.

 

A sob bursts out of me. Imaging Percy being held by someone else. Percy being loved by someone else. Percy kissing someone else. Now I understand why my chest felt so heavy when I saw those pictures.

 

I don’t know what to do now. I must look so pathetic. Crying over a guy who I didn’t even know felt something like that for me, who I must have hurt numerous times by bringing Piper up. I cry even more thinking about how much I put him through.

 

I try to compose myself enough to finish packing, but a sob escapes every now and then. I don’t understand why I’m crying this hard until Piper’s words ring in my head. _It’s okay to love him._ Am I really this dense that my now ex-girlfriend realized _my_ feelings for someone else before I did? Then I remember Annabeth and her saying that she was the one who pointed it out to Percy how he felt about me. God, I’m an idiot, but at least not the only one.

 

A sad chuckle leaves my mouth. Of course the thought of Percy would make me happy even for just a second. I can’t let this be it. I have to at least try, right? If he tells me to fuck off because he’s found someone who makes him happy, then that’s that. I’ll leave him alone knowing that at least I tried.

 

I just have to figure out a way to see him. Good thing it’s break and I know where he lives.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it! We're almost at the finish line.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry this has taken so long. This chapter is much longer than the previous ones but it didn't feel right cutting it into two so here it is. The final chapter of my ever favorite couple.

I’ve been back home for almost a week now but I still haven’t gone to see Percy. He lives about 20 minutes away. I’ve been there enough times during high school to walk there even in the pitch-black night. But I can’t find it in me to see him. I’m not even sure if he went home this break or stayed at campus. He hasn’t posted anything on social media inclining to either situation.

 

I’m a coward. I’m so scared of seeing him and not be able to control my emotions. I’m scared to see that he’s doing way better than I’ve been since he left. I’m scared that I wouldn’t matter to him anymore. I’m scared that he’s moved on.

 

I keep trying to convince myself to just go ahead. What else do I have to lose? I already feel like I lost my best friend. But if that detail actually becomes concrete…I don’t even know what I’d do. I can’t beg him to give me a chance after all the times I’ve hurt him. But then, if I never go to see him, I’ll never know. Percy Jackson will always be my _what if?_

By the time I’ve finally convinced myself after a few minutes of pacing in my bedroom, then the living room, then deciding what’s a decent enough outfit to wear when professing your love to someone, it’s already dinner time. Dinner can wait though. I have to see Percy now. I’m out the door and walking in the night towards, hopefully, a brighter future with that idiot swimmer with me.

* * *

 The 20-minute walk has been good. The cool night air helped calm down the nerves a bit. I got to think of what I want to tell him. I’d tell him what a dense idiot I’ve been. I’d tell him over and over again that I’m sorry I never noticed anything, and for all the times I hurt him. I’d tell him how much I missed him. How every morning I’d wish it was him in the bed opposite mine. How much I longed for his presence, his laugh, his smile. How much of I mess I’ve been without him. How much I’ve come to love him.

 

But now, I’m right outside his house, across the street. I thought I was prepared for anything but, apparently, I’m not. Their dining room is conveniently at the front of the house, with a wide window by it. I can clearly see him. For a second, a precious second, my heart stops. He looks happy. He’s smiling. He looks so carefree. And he’s not alone.

 

He’s sitting at the head of the table, and to his right is the guy from the photo. They’re laughing. Mrs. Jackson comes by to put some food on the table. She smiles right at Luke. I guess he’s part of the family now.

 

_Where does that leave me?_

I stand there, across the street in front of their house having no clue what to do next. I was so prepared to just dive right in. Whether he still felt the same or not, screw it. It was a risk I was willing to take. But now? He’s obviously really happy. I couldn’t get in the way of that.

 

I don’t know how long I’ve been standing here. I must look some stalker. With a breaking heart, I force my feet to move. But not without one last look though. Something I think I’ll forever regret. Because there he is, Percy Jackson, in a warm embrace in someone else’s arms.

 

* * *

 

I didn’t realize I was crying until I feel the wind pick up and an increasingly uncomfortable chill on my face. When I go to touch my cheek, my fingers come up damp. I feel defeated and lost. I don’t exactly know where my feet led me but it’s obviously not home. I don’t know for how long I’ve been walking. All I know is I’m not ready to go home just yet.

 

There’s no one around, so I decide to just sit down on the sidewalk. And this is when I consciously let my tears flow freely. How could I have been so stupid? All these years, wasted because I was too blind to see what was right in front of me. All those afternoons after practice in high school. All those moments on a couch or on our bed in our dorm room, cuddled under a blanket while watching Finding Nemo, then Finding Dory. Every touch, every chance, every moment, wasted. All because I couldn’t open my eyes wide enough.

 

What a pathetic site I must be. All alone under a damn street light, crying my eyes out for a boy who’s moved on when I just figured out how I feel about him.

 

_God, this hurts so fucking bad._

“Jace?”

 

_Shit. Please, no._

“Jason?” I can hear him coming closer. I can’t let him see me like this, I keep my head down. “Hey, are you crying?”

 

I hastily wipe my face with the sleeve of my jacket, doubting it helped any. “Percy!” I try to act as excited and surprised as I can muster. But then my eyes land on the figure a few steps back and I can feel my heart breaking even more. “Bro!” I cringe at hearing how forced I sound. “I didn’t know you went home for break. How are you?”

 

_God, he looks good. Please go._

He frowns at me, then lifts his hand to wipe off a few stray tears off my face. “You’re crying. What happened?”

 

_My best friend ran away and is happier without me._

I try my best to feign indifference. “What?” I try to act as if a just noticed my tear stained cheeks. “Oh damn, I didn’t even notice. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I think it’s the weather. It’s cold and I get…the chills? And you know, watery eyes?”

 

He obviously doesn’t believe me. I see his friend take a step forward and I know I can’t handle any more unless I want to embarrass myself in front of Percy and his new boyfriend. I quickly stand which makes Percy stumble a bit but Luke catches him before he hits the ground. _Even in moments like these, Luke will be the better person for him._ “So, it’s getting late. I should go.” And before he gets a single word in, I run. No, I don’t walk away, or brisk walk even, I literally pump my legs as hard as I can and run the fuck out of there.

 

I can barely hear Percy call out my name. All I can concentrate on now is trying to control the sobs that are leaving me and the pounding of blood in my ears. My vision is blurry; I can’t catch a breath. I don’t know how far I run but once I spot a tree I quickly dash to it and heave while tears are running down my face. I’m trying so hard to stop but I can’t.

 

“Jason! Jason! Where the fuck are you?”

 

I clasp both hands in front of my mouth so he can’t hear the sobs that are leaking out. Why? Why is he here? He should have stayed with Luke. He doesn’t need me crying and confessing things that don’t matter anymore. I don’t want to disrupt his life. He deserves so much more. He deserves this chance to be happy.

 

I can still hear him screaming my name and cursing out a bit. A few minutes later it’s dead silent and I think the coast is clear. I peak a little from where I’m hiding behind and see an empty street. Good.

 

I stay for a couple more minutes, trying to calm down. When I can finally breathe normally enough and the tears have stopped, I stand, brush off the dirt and head home.

 

The walk back is nowhere as light as the walk to Percy’s. Everything feels so heavy. My shoulders are sagging, my feet drag, and my head is bowed low. That’s how I miss Percy sitting on the front porch.

 

“Jason.”

 

I stop dead in my tracks. My eyes widen but I refuse to look up. Right as when I take a step back, Percy shouts, “Don’t you fucking dare run away, Grace.”

 

I can hear him approach me. “What the hell was that? I find you crying on the sidewalk near my house, you knock me on my ass, then you run? What’s wrong with you?”

 

I can’t help but wince at that, but I still can’t look at him. I can feel him though. He’s right in front of me.

 

“Jason.” He says my name gently this time. How much I’ve missed hearing him say my name. “Jason, please. Just look at me.” His pleading finally gets to me so I look up. His sea green eyes are just as bright and inviting as I remember them to be, but laced with such concern it hurts. I don’t deserve his worry.

 

One look was all it took and my eyes start roaming. His hair has gotten a little longer, and a lot messier. _Maybe Luke likes running his fingers through it._ I’ve never noticed just how long his eyelashes are. And, god, his lips. So soft and pink, but turned downwards in a frown.

 

“Jason, talk to me. What’s wrong?” He takes a step forward and looks like he was about to reach me but I flinch back. His frown grows deeper. “Just say something, please.”

 

I just now realize that I haven’t said a single thing since seeing him here. But I don’t really know what to say. I can still act like nothing’s wrong, but I don’t have the energy. So I just look away towards the dark house. Everybody must be asleep then. I didn’t realize how long I was out.

 

Percy looks back at the house too and must have come to the same conclusion that everyone is asleep. He walks right up to the door, reaches for the loose brick by the side where he knows we hide our spare key. He invites himself in and I have no other choice but to follow him. He makes a beeline for the stairs and into my room. I hesitate at the bottom of the stairs though. I don’t know what to expect if I follow him. My eyes go to the hallway that leads to the guest bedroom.

 

“Don’t even think about it.” My head snaps up to see Percy with his arms crossed on the top of the stairs. “Get your ass up here.”

 

With a sigh, I reluctantly drag my feet up each step and enter the room. Percy is just standing there in the middle. I don’t know what else to do so I take a seat on my bed.

 

It’s silent, no one is saying anything and I’m half convinced that maybe my exhausted brain only conjured Percy up because of what happened earlier. But then my computer chair squeaks like how it usually does when anyone sits on it.

 

“I don’t know what’s going on, but you can’t just expect me to ignore what happened earlier, right?” I look up at him. He’s elbows at his knees, hands clasped, and looking straight at me. “You’re my best friend.” It feels like another 10 pounds were added on my shoulders. “You can talk to me.”

 

I still don’t say anything though.

 

“Annabeth ran into Piper the other day.” My whole body freezes. “Said you guys broke up. Are you okay?”

 

_No. But I’d rather you believe that Piper broke my heart instead of you. But it wasn’t your fault. None of this is your fault._

I finally look up at him. “Yeah, I’m okay. I’m sorry I freaked out earlier.” I try to give him a smile. “But I am exhausted. I really need some shut ey-“

 

“Piper said you were in love with someone else.” Percy cuts me off. I can feel my body trembling. _Please, Percy. Please don’t push for more._

He’s looking at me so expectantly. I can’t tell him that it’s true. I can’t tell him that I’m in love with him. Not now. Not that he can finally get rid of all the hurt I’ve caused him. But what the fuck am I supposed to say to that?

 

“Look, I know I haven’t been in touch since I left.” _Please stop talking._ “And I’m really sorry about that. But you’re still my best friend, Jace.” _No, I don’t think we can be._ “You can talk to me. I’ll even be your wingman!”

 

I can’t help the pathetic chuckle that leaves my lips. “What?” Percy tilts his head at me. “Is she from campus? I’m sure I can still help from JU.”

 

Of course, it isn’t a big deal for him, helping me get together with someone else. Percy already moved on. And it stings that now he’s willing to be my wingman when he never even responded to any of my calls or texts.

 

I can’t listen to this anymore. I know I’m not being fair. He had to watch me be with Piper for so long. But dammit, I don’t know where to go from here. I find my voice. “Look Perce, yeah me and Piper broke up. I don’t know what she means by saying I was in love with someone else.” Lies. “But I really am exhausted. I don’t want to be rude, but can you go? I really need to sleep it off.”

 

“Sleep what of, Grace?”

 

I don’t care anymore. I already lost him. “Please, Percy. Just go.” I turn to lay down but Percy grabs my arm.

 

“I’m not leaving until you tell me what’s going on! You were crying, all alone, in a dark street! I can’t just push that aside and ignore it. Just tell me what’s going on. I can help!”

 

“No you can’t!” I didn’t mean to, but I pushed him way too hard, knocking him down. And now that I’ve started I can’t stop. “You can’t help me, okay? And I don’t want it! I don’t fucking deserve it!” Percy is just sitting there on the floor looking up at me while I pace and yell. “You left! You left and you didn’t even have the balls to tell me to my face! Do you have any idea how much that hurt? I was a wreck, Jackson, a wreck! Piper got fed up with me because all I was, was a moping mess because I felt so fucking lost without you! God, then I realize all the shit I put you through. I was such a dense dick, I never saw it until it was too fucking late!” My eyes grow wide, and when I look back at Percy still on the floor, so are his.

 

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

 

All the fight and energy from earlier is draining. “Percy, please. Just go.” I tell him again.

 

He stands up, “What do you mean all the shit you put me through? What’s too late?” I don’t answer him. “Dammit, Grace! Just tell me!”

 

And I almost do. But then I see him and Luke in the picture. I see them holding hands. I see them at the dinner table, laughing and hugging. I see Luke catching Percy. I’m not going to disrupt that. Love isn’t selfish.

 

My posture screams defeat. This is the only way. Percy left Olympus University to get away from me. He found someone else in the process, and he’s happy. He doesn’t need or deserve any added drama. He’s obviously doing so much better without me. I can’t risk ruining that.

 

“Percy, leave. Now.”

 

“No, not until you te-“

 

“I’m not telling you shit. So just leave me alone!”

 

“What the fuck is wrong with you? You can tell me anything. We used to tell each other everything. We’re best bros. I can he-“

 

“No. We’re not.” It’s deathly quiet how low I whisper this.

 

“What?”

 

“We’re not bros. We’re not friends. Just get the fuck out of my house.” I try to add as much venom as I can muster in my words.

 

And this time, he listens. He gently closes my bedroom door and I lose it. The tears I’ve been fighting come pouring out again. Ugly sobs ripping through me. I don’t notice how there never was a sound of the front door closing.

 

* * *

 

I stay outside his door, listening to his heartbreaking cries. _What happened to you, Jace?_

I wait until the sounds subside, which take almost half an hour. I know I won’t be going home anytime soon. Good thing I told my mom I was either going to go home late or stay over at Jason’s so she wouldn’t worry. When I’m sure the crying has stopped, I gently open the door. Jason is curled up in his bed, his back to me.

 

I don’t think he notices that I’m still here though. But when I come to sit by the edge of his bed, his body tenses.

 

I go to rub him back, but he flinches away from me. “I told you to leave me alone, Jackson.” He sounds so broken.

 

“And I told you that I wouldn’t go anywhere until you told me what’s going on.”

 

I can literally feel his body deflating. “I’m so tired, Perce.” His voice so broken.

 

“Scoot over.”  Finally he looks at me, but like I was talking gibberish. “Come on, we’ve had sleepovers before. I’m not leaving you like this. You need rest, that’s a given. But I’m still not going anywhere.”

 

He finally moves a bit to give me some space, but his back is still to me. That’s not a problem. I go to lay down and wrap my arm around his waist. He immediately tenses up again. I try to calm him. “I don’t know what bullshit you said earlier about not being bros anymore.” I can his chest wracking with another sob. “I’m sorry about how I left. We have a lot to talk about. But not tonight. Get some rest, Jace.”

 

He silently cries for a few more minutes until finally I feel his breathing even out.

* * *

 

 

I wake up before Jason does, which is quite alright. He needs all the rest he can get before I dump him with the shitstorm that’s been brewing in me since high school. I slowly release him from my arms and get up to the kitchen.

 

“Percy, honey!” Jason’s stepmom is at the stove making eggs when she sees me. “I didn’t know you were staying over! It’s so good to see you. Sit down, do you still like your eggs sunny side up?”

 

I take a seat as instructed. “Good morning, Mrs. Grace. Is it okay if I take our food upstairs? Jason’s still asleep and he’s been up all night, I don’t want to wake him up just yet.”

 

Mrs. Grace readies two plates, one with sunny side up eggs and scrambled, for Jason, while the bacon is cooking. “Oh of course, dear. Jason told me you transferred schools.” She says this with a frown. “He was so upset; he wouldn’t talk much last break, only went out to see Piper but her never seemed to enjoy himself.”

 

This is news to me. I knew he would have been sad but not to the point that he’d lock himself in his room.

 

“Even Thalia failed at getting through to him” Thalia, his older sister that he’s really close with couldn’t even get him to talk? That’s really difficult to imagine, because even though through looks they look like night and day, literally, with Jason’s golden hair and sunny personality and Thalia’s dark aura, they still spend as much time together as they can. When we weren’t hanging out, he was with his sister.

 

I’m still pondering over this when the toaster goes off. Mrs. Grace hands me a tray with both plates, a pitcher of juice and two glasses. “Here you go, Percy. It’s glad to have you here. Hopefully Jason will cheer up some. He hasn’t been the same since you left.” Then she sends me off back to Jason’s room.

 

 I set the tray down on his desk and take a seat on his chair. He’s still asleep, curled up in a ball, but at least he’s turned in his sleep now so his back isn’t to me. It doesn’t seem like his sleep is peaceful though. His eyebrows are knitted together and his lips are turned down.

 

I’m trying to remember everything he said last night. He said something about all the shit he put me through. I don’t really find that surprising. Annabeth told me how she thinks Jason might have figured it out, that I left because of him. What surprised me though was finding out Jason and Piper broke up. They were really happy last I saw them. I can’t possibly imagine what must have happened for them to break up.

 

But then Annabeth said Jason was in love with someone else, which doesn’t make sense. How could he have fallen for someone else so fast when he was in la la land with Piper? Did something happen to them that Jason felt was lacking and found in someone else? It just doesn’t add up. Jason is loyal to the core; he would never do that.

 

My phone pings all of a sudden.

 

7:36am From Luke: Hey! You didn’t come home last night? Is your friend alright?

 

7:37am From Percy: I don’t know, he still hasn’t talked to me about anything. Anyway, I’ll see you later.

 

7:37am From Luke: You don’t have to rush if you’re still having problems with Jason. You guys should mend the fence.

 

7:38am From Percy: But you’re leaving already.

 

7:39am From Luke: And I’ll see you before we head back to campus. You’re still coming over, right? Dad wants to see you.

 

7:40am From Percy: Yeah, of course. I haven’t seen Uncle Hermes since, what? Since I was 8 I think when mom and me visited.

 

7:41am From Luke: Yeah, way too long ago. Anyway, see you or not later, good luck with Jason. Hope you guys set things right.

 

7:41am From Percy: Thanks, cous.

 

I didn’t realize Jason already woke up. But he’s not looking at me. He’s looking at the phone in my hand. “Hey, sorry if my phone woke you. Luke was just asking where I was.” And just like that I can see his face shutting down. “Your mom made breakfast. I asked if we could eat up here.” The only response I get from him though is him shifting onto his back and looking up at the ceiling. “Man, come on. Your god awful scrambled eggs are waiting.” I try to make light of the situation, but get nothing. “Please eat something, Jace.”

 

He finally sits up and I bring him his plate and a glass of juice. I go back to his desk though. It looks like he might need some space now.

 

After what feels like an eternity of awkward silence, we finally finish our meal and I break it. “So, now can we talk about what happened last night?”

 

Jason doesn’t give anything away that he’s even heard me. This is getting to be really ridiculous now. “You said something about putting me through things last night. I want to talk about that.” Jason is still sitting still on his bed, while looking down at the empty plate on his lap. “You don’t have to say anything but I guess now is the right time to get this off my chest.” I take a breath. “I’m gay.” He’s still stoic. “I found out when I was in high school.” Still nothing. Well, here goes. “I found out because of you.”

 

The first indication that Jason has been listening is his shoulders sagging even more. I didn’t really expect that. I thought he’d tense up. “I was so in love with you and I didn’t know how to tell you that without ruining our friendship.” At this I finally pull my eyes away from him. I thought I was totally ready to tell him everything, but it’s still a little difficult. I’ve been keeping this from him for so long. “You never showed anything that inclined you were homophobic or anything, but it was still a risk I wasn’t willing to take. By the time we were in university, I was so ready to tell you. But then Piper happened and you were so happy. And it just got to the point that I couldn’t take it anymore. It was one more year of seeing the guy I was so in love with being so happy for someone else. I just, I had to go. I’m sorry for how I left. I didn’t mean to hide it from you. I just knew that if I told you, you’d find a way to let me stay and I couldn’t let you do that. I needed time away to sort out my feelings, you know?”

 

I finally look back at him and see silent tears pouring down his face. I quickly scramble to get to his side. “Hey, why are you crying? I’m sorry, what did I do?”

 

I wrap my arm around his shoulders, trying my best to comfort him as much as I can. It takes a while but finally his breathing isn’t as erratic. But he shrugs out of my hold. He looks me dead in the eye. His once clear blue eyes are now dull and lifeless, red rimmed with tears. “Are you happy?”

 

That takes me off guard. “What?”

 

“I want to know if you’re happy now. If it’s better now that you’re going to JU?”

 

He asks this with little to no emotion. Nothing at all like the passionate Jason Grace I left at OU.

 

“Well, the classes are better. We go out to immersions every other week which is way more than I ever got back in OU.”

 

“But are you happy?”

 

Was I? The distance was good, that’s for sure. I’ve come to accept that Jason is straight and you can’t force someone to love you. But was I happier without him, no. I missed him so much. I had to stop myself multiple times from reaching out to him. It hurt, but I also knew I needed to give myself some time to move on.

 

It doesn’t hurt like it used to now, though. So, I guess you can say that I am happy, but not happier. I tell him instead, a simple, “Yeah.”

 

He closes his eyes but not before a few tears leak out. I move to wipe them off, then he nuzzles his cheek into my hand. A small smile graces his face, but his eyes still look dull. He pulls away from my hand. I can see his smile trembling but that doesn’t deter him. “I’m happy for you.” Is all he says before he completely shuts down. What little spark was left is completely gone, and it hurts so much to see.

 

“Jase? Come on, we still have to talk about what happened to you last night.”

 

He moves to get out of bed, every movement robotic. He puts the dishes on the tray, goes to pick up things on the floor that got jostled from last night scream fest, completely ignoring me.

 

I grab his arm, “Jason, stop.” He looks at me with lifeless eyes and an empty smile. “Come on, talk to me.”

 

“I was just having a rough night last night. Thank you for your concern though.” God, even how he speaks now sounds robotic.

 

“Was it because of the break up?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Well? Care to elaborate?”

 

“No.”

 

 _God, he’s infuriating. But at least his responding._ “Do you miss her?”

 

“No.”

 

“Are you in love with someone else like she said?”

 

This question makes him pause, but only for a second. “Yes.”

 

My eyes widen at that. “Is she why you and Piper broke up?”

 

“No.”

 

“What? I thought you guys broke up because you found someone else.”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Goddamit, Grace! You’re not making any sense!”

 

He just goes back to tidying his already tidy room.

 

“Are you going to pursue her?”

 

The first anti-robotic reaction I get is his shoulder sagging, but only for a moment. He immediately straightens up. “No.”

 

“Why not?”

 

He just shrugs in response. God this is getting old. “Is she why you’ve been crying so hard? I don’t understand.”

 

“There’s nothing to understand.”

 

I can’t take this anymore. “I swear to god, Jace. Just tell me what’s going on!”

 

“Will you finally leave if I do?” He says this so coldly that it hurts. But I need for him to talk about it so I brush it aside.

 

“Yes, now tell me what’s been hurting you.”

 

Jason faces me, all hard lines and stiff posture, a completely blank face. “This person deserves someone who wouldn’t hurt them. Someone who will make them happy. Someone who isn’t me. It hurt, because I missed my chance. But it’s okay now. They don’t need me barging in on them, and I don’t want to be selfish. Now, please. Leave.” I’m too shocked by what he said because it sounded a little like how I felt about him before, that he easily pushes me out of his bedroom. By the time my brain has caught up, he’s already locked the door. I don’t want to make a scene in his own home, so I bound down the stairs and do what he said. I leave.

 

* * *

 

“Hey, I didn’t expect you back so soon.” Luke greets me when I enter the door. He must see how dejected I look because the next thing he says is, “It didn’t go so well, did it?”

 

I plop myself down on the couch, “I…I don’t know?” Luke takes a seat next to me. “He wasn’t mad or upset. I already expected that he knew, but when I told him he started crying. I couldn’t understand! Was it so upsetting for him to know that I love him?”

 

“I really don’t know Jason except for all the things you told me about him. But last night, he looked so crushed out on the street. You said he broke up with his girl, did that have anything to do with it?”

 

“I don’t really know. He said he found someone else but she wasn’t available, I guess.” I take a deep breath. “You know what? I don’t want to talk about it right now. What time are you leaving?”

 

“In an hour or so. I don’t want to get home too late. I already packed my stuff last night.”

 

“Where’s mom?”

 

“Right here, hon.” Mom enters the living room with damp hair. “I was about to head out, I have to meet my publisher today. Where’s Jason? I expected him to come with you like he usually did.”

 

“He’s having a bad day.” Is all I say.

 

“Oh, you should bring him cookies. I made some last night.”

 

“Blue?” I can’t help the excitement in my voice.

 

My mom just laughs, “Of course, they’re blue. What else would they be?” She winks at me while she puts on her shoes. “Well, I have to go. Be safe, Luke. Tell your dad I miss him.”

 

“Will do, and thanks again Aunt Sally for letting me crash. It’s been so long since our families last got together.”

 

“Anytime. It was so nice hearing that Percy got see a familiar face over there. Being so far away and all, I was a little worried.”

 

“Don’t worry, I can handle this little squirt.” All of a sudden he tackles me and put me in a headlock.

 

Mom just laughs it off with a, “Play nice boys.” And is out the door.

 

I finally get out of Luke’s grip and head for the kitchen. Blue cookies are calling for me.

 

“So, are you coming with me to the bus stop later?” Luke follows me into the kitchen then grabs the cookie out of my hand. I swear, he’s like the big brother I never wanted.

 

“I don’t think so. I’m exhausted. We didn’t get to sleep until really late last night, and it was pretty restless. I even woke up before Jason. Shit like that isn’t normal.”

 

He chuckles and proceeds to grab two glasses of milk for us. “I figured. Want me to warm up your milk? Might help you sleep.”

 

“That would be great. Thanks.”

 

We chat a bit more until half the cookies are gone. I made sure to leave enough so I can bring them over tomorrow at Jason’s. He might have wanted me to leave but I’m stubborn. I’m going to make him break out of whatever shit he’s going through. I already missed a whole semester with him and what a mess that has been. I still have a few more weeks until I leave to visit Uncle Hermes. Hopefully that’s enough time to catch up with him.

 

When Luke notices my drooping eyes he announces that he best be going now so I can catch up on some sleep.

 

“Text me when you’re leaving. I’ll pick you up when you get there. Dad and the twins are really excited.”

 

“Me, too. Mom told me all the stories Uncle Hermes shared about Connor and Travis always getting in trouble.”

 

“Don’t you go and add to that now.” Luke laughs and reaches for me for a hug. “See you soon, squirt. I really hope you and Jason figure things out. You guys have something special.”

 

“Why’d you say that?”

 

“Just a gut feeling. You know how good at I am at reading people. And last night, for a split second I saw something in his eyes when he looked at you.”

 

“I…don’t know what you mean.” I give out an involuntary yawn.

 

“Come on, get to bed. I’ll see you soon. Bye, Perce!”

 

“Bye, Luke! Be safe.”

 

And with that he’s out the door and I head to my very missed bed. I don’t give what Luke said a second thought, because as soon as my head hit the pillow, I’m out like a light.

 

I don’t know how much time has passed but the sun looks low in the sky so I’m assuming it’s already late afternoon. I grab my phone to see a few texts from Luke.

 

9:46am From Luke: Hey, I’m at the bus station. Just waiting until boarding.

 

9:57am From Luke: I think I see Jason here

 

9:59am From Luke: Yep, definitely Jason. I don’t see what bus he’s waiting for though. Was he supposed to leave today?

 

10:00am From Luke: Damn, that boy looks so lost. Well, we’re boarding. See you soon!

 

I barely finish reading that last text. He left?! It’s almost 4, that was 6 hours ago!

 

I dash around my room, change clothes and grab the plate of cookies before I head for the door. Luke might be wrong. Jason might still be at his place. No need to worry. Well, that’s what I tell myself as I walk as briskly as I can with a plate full of cookies in my hand.

 

When I arrive, Mrs. Grace greets me at the door. “Oh, Percy.”

 

“Hi, Mrs. Grace. I brought cookies for Jason.” I try not to fidget so much.

 

“Oh, Jason left, dear. He said he had a lot to prepare for since its his last year and all.” A small frown graces her face. “Such a shame. He looked really down this morning. I thought seeing you would have helped.”

 

“Uhm, what do you mean?”

 

“Oh, that silly boy. Falling all over that Piper girl when we could all clearly see he was head over heels for you. We didn’t want to say anything because we wanted him to figure it out on his own.”

 

I almost drop the plate in my hand. Mrs. Grace sees my stumble and invites me in. “Come, dear. You look like a deer up in headlights.”

 

She leads me to the family room to sit and dashes off to the kitchen with the cookies. When she comes back she has a glass of water with her. “Here you go, dear. It looks like you need it.”

 

“Uhm, I think you have it wrong Mrs. Grace. Jason doesn’t have a thing for me.”

 

“Oh, I beg to differ. He was all over you in high school. Wouldn’t shut up about you. Even when he met that girl, he would talk about you non-stop to me and his father. Thalia threatened him once to shut up when he bragged about your swimming. Trust me, dear, he cares a whole lot about you.”

 

“But…that doesn’t make any sense!”

 

“Of course, it does. Broke his heart too when he found out you left and found someone new. Before we left we had a little chat. To be honest, he left because he wanted to be alone for a while. It didn’t seem healthy but he insisted. He has his father’s eyes, never could say no to them.”

 

I’m still here trying to process everything being said to me. Mrs. Grace keeps on going, though. “Took him long enough. Oh well, my little boy is growing up. Part of that is the occasional heartbreak I suppose. He really did seem happy for you though. Right before he left he told me that whatever else happens between you two, if you can salvage the friendship after he heals or not, he’s just happy to know that you’re happy. And don’t worry. He’s not mad or anything with you. If anything, he’s angry at himself for realizing a little too late.”

 

I can feel my mouth moving but nothing is coming out. 

 

“You should really get home before it gets dark.” With that she takes the still full glass from my hand and leads me out the door. Right before she closes it though, “Oh, Jason took the 10am bus back to campus earlier. I believe they have another bus going out tomorrow. Goodbye, Percy.”

 

I have no idea how to process any of what Mrs. Grace said just now. She basically told me all this time that Jason has feelings for me. How is that even possible?

 

I walk back home trying to wrap my mind around the tiniest possibility that Jason likes me more than the bromance we’ve always had. When I arrive home, mom is sitting in the dining room with her laptop.

 

“Hey, hon! I saw the cookies all gone. I’m assuming you got back from Jason’s. How is he? Is he feeling better?”

 

I take a seat across from her, still not totally believing the information dump from earlier. “He left.”

 

My mom looks up from her laptop. “What do you mean?”

 

“His mom said he went back to campus this morning.”

 

“Oh, that’s too bad. His mom said he’s been trying to find the nerve to talk to you for the past week.”

 

“What now?” This is news to me. News that would have been helpful two weeks ago.

 

“Oh, I see Hera at the market all the time. Told me that his sweet boy’s been pacing up and down that house.”

 

“Did you know?” I can’t help the slightly accusing tone that escapes me.

 

“Perseus, don’t you use that tone with me.” I slink a little lower in my chair. “And what do you mean? Did I know what?”

 

“That Jason apparently has _feelings_ for me. That can’t be right, right?”

 

She cocks her head at me like she can’t figure me out. “I knew you were a little slow because of the dyslexia.”

 

“Hey!”

 

“But I never realized how slow you can be. Percy, you know I love you, but please don’t take offense. It was clear to almost everyone how much he cared about you, and you for him.” She pauses as she thinks something over. “With that being said, Jason appears to be just as slow as you.”

 

“Wha- Tha- I can’t eve-“ Forming a complete sentence has become a struggle. “But he had Piper! How can anyone say he has feeling for me when he was with her?”

 

“No one said anything out of respect, Percy. But even so, anyone could clearly see how much you mean to him even when he was with her. Whenever you boys went home for break, you two were inseparable. And based from all your stories, you two were always together back in uni. You both have always been there for each other.”

 

I’m silent for a long while. This is the second time today someone, our mothers no less, has pointed out to me what my hurt heart wouldn’t let me see before.

 

My mom waits patiently for me to process all this, or to say something. “I think, I think have some packing to do.”

 

I stand up but my mom reaches for me, “Be careful okay, text me if you’re still going to visit Hermes and the boys before going back to JU.” Then she kisses my cheek and gives me a slight shove.

 

* * *

 

Good thing I always reserve a room every time after school year at the dorms. Before, it was to secure a room that both me and Percy will stay at. Now it’s just become habit, something I’m thankful for. I don’t know if Frank will be assigned as my roommate again this year, but whoever it is isn’t here yet. The campus is quiet though. There’s still summer classes, but it’s the first time I’ve been back this early. I’m used to the hustle and bustle of students registering for the new semester. It’s still a few weeks too early.

 

I know it’s cowardly of me to run away. But our hometown is small. It’s a shock I didn’t run into Percy earlier. Well, not really, since I refused to leave the house. But even then, I couldn’t take the fact that Percy was just a few minutes away…with someone else.

 

I don’t even know how to feel anymore. Everything still hurts like hell. It’s like the emotional pain is transferring into physical pain. I can literally feel my chest tighten whenever I see them together in my head. But other than that, I feel numb. I have no idea what to do now. It’s like I’ve been stripped away of who I am and left raw. It’s not like I can’t function without Percy. I’ve done it since he left. But I never felt like I was truly living, not like when he was still here.

 

It’s okay, though. He’s happy now. That’s all I’ll ever want. And knowing that at least he has someone to take care of him when I can’t, someone who will pay enough attention to know something’s wrong, well, it’s enough. It has to be.

 

It’s not dark out yet, but I feel exhausted. After placing new bed sheets, I don’t bother unpacking. I land face first on my bed, not give a fuck about the endless tears running down my face and go to sleep.

 

When I wake up several times. I don’t bother getting up though. I know I skipped lunch, and it’s a good assumption that dinner time has come and gone, but I can’t find enough energy in me to grab something to eat. I get up once to use the toilet but that’s pretty much it.

 

I drift in and out of sleep evert few hours. Blink, it’s still dark out. Blink, the sky is turning pink. Blink, it’s way too bright. Blink, there’s a knock on the door. Who would even be here? I don’t think anyone knows I’m here so they might have gotten the room number wrong. I’m too exhausted to care. If my new roommate is early like I am, then he should have a key.

 

I keep my eyes closed, hoping to just go back to sleep. I hear the door opening. New roommate then. But all of a sudden my blanket is ripped off of me. I’m still too exhausted to care. It could have been a college ax murderer for all I know, I’m still staying in this bed.

 

“Jason Grace.” _I should really eat something, I’m hearing things._ “Jason fucking Grace get up.” _But maybe then I’d stop hearing his voice._ “I will literally drag you off if you don’t get up. Right. Now.” _I don’t even deserve loving words in my hallucinations. All for the best I suppose, so I wouldn’t get my hopes up._ “Okay, you fucking asked for it.”

 

My eyes snap open as soon as I feel warm hands grabbing for my feet. Next thing I know I’m on the floor. Percy is standing there, my blanket at his feet.

 

“What is wrong with you?” He’s yelling, and I’m too stunned to even begin answering that. I must be going crazy. Yeah, I definitely need to go grab something to eat.

 

“You know, I went to your house yesterday. I even brought you cookies my mom made that I know you love so much even though you freaked out the first time you saw them ‘cause they were blue. And what don’t I find?” _Okay, not hallucinating, I think._ “You. You left.”

 

I sit up, and lean against the bed. My body feels like it got run over by a truck. Percy is a little blurry because I don’t have my glasses on, so I’m still not totally convinced he’s real. Why would he be here?

 

“And you know what else? I had a chat with your mom.”

 

 _No, no, no._ Okay this is definitely real.

 

“Do you have something that you want to tell me, Grace?”

 

This wasn’t supposed to happen. I left with my tail tucked between my legs to lick my wounds and let him be. No, I will stand by what I did back home.

 

I purposely give him a blank face. “What are you doing here, Percy?”

 

He looks at me like I’m stupid for not knowing. “I told you my life secret last night! And all you did was kick me out. Why won’t you talk to me?”

 

I get up on shaky legs. I almost stumble but catch myself at the last minute when I see him reaching out to catch me. _I don’t deserve his touch._ “There’s nothing to talk about.” I grab the blanket, avoiding his legs at all costs. I plop back down on the bed but before I could lay back down he grabs my face.

 

“Don’t. Please don’t shut me out. I need to know.” I try to pull back but his fingers are linked at the back of my neck, his thumbs caressing my cheeks. “Please, Jace. Your mom told me, heck even _my_ mom told me. Now I need _you_ to tell me.”

_Percy, please. Don’t._

“Do you have any sort of feelings for me?”

 

I break.

 

“I’m sorry.” It comes out as a whisper as my tears are crashing down once more. I close my eyes. I can’t look at the pity I’m sure to find on his face. “I’m sorry for hurting you. I’m sorry I never noticed before. I’m sorry for flaunting Piper in your face. I’m sorry for driving you away. I’m sorry I was too late. I’m sorry for realizing it when you were already gone. You don’t deserve this.” That’s the last thing I can get out before the sobbing gets too much and no words are leaving my mouth, just loud ugly heaves.

 

Percy pulls me closer and crushes me to his chest. _No, don’t. I don’t deserve to be in your arms. I don’t want to hurt you anymore._ He keeps me there though. My tears are soaking though his shirt but he doesn’t seem to care. He’s holding me in a tight, strong grip, but at the same time it feels gentle.

 

“You don’t have to be sorry. It wasn’t your fault. I didn’t want you to know. Please, I don’t want you blaming yourself.”

 

But I do blame myself. So I gather as much strength left in me and push away. He doesn’t let me get far though. “Jason, look at me.” I do, he’s still blurry though. Percy must notice my unfocused gaze and reaches for my glasses that I use on occasion. Now that he’s a little clearer, tears are still gathered in my eyes, I see no pity at all, just a warm smile. “Please, I need to hear it from you.”

 

Maybe he needs this to be the last nail in the coffin. If I tell him now, and it doesn’t stir anything inside him, it would be a definite sign that he’s completely moved on. It hurts, but if that’s what I have to do, then alright. Anything for him. But before that…

 

“Why does it matter? What about Luke?”

 

His eyebrows pinch. _Why do you have to be so damn cute?_ “What _about_ Luke? Wait wait, how do you even know Luke?”

 

I bow my head, feeling ashamed all of a sudden. “I kinda, sorta, saw your photo together. That’s when I started realizing. I didn’t like seeing you with someone else, but it’s okay now.” I give him the most honest smile I can muster, even if it is small. “You’re happy and that’s all that matters.”

 

Percy pulls back a bit and does a T with his hands. “Okay, time out. You think me and Luke are _together?_ ” I shrug my shoulder and reach for my blanket again. But Percy’s words stop me. “So that’s what your mom meant when she said I found someone else. You, idiot. Luke is my cousin!”

 

My head snaps so fast that I get dizzy. Percy quickly sits by my side on the bed and holds the side of my face again. He doesn’t say anything, giving me the chance to process what he just said. _Cousin._ “But…but you were holding hands! That’s not what cousins do.”

 

“Holding hands? What?”

 

“In one of his photos. I might have…stalked his profile some. And it was definitely you!”

 

He chuckles at me, “I’m insulted, Grace. You definitely can’t tell swimmers apart.” He lets go of my face but reaches for my hands in my lap, urging me to face him. “I think I know what photo you’re talking about. That was Ethan, Luke’s boyfriend. That’s how we got back together actually. The varsity was practicing, it was a little late to join but they were open to other people joining their training as long as they catch up. Luke was there to pick Ethan up. It’s been so long since we last saw each other but we had great fun as kids before they moved away. That’s why I posted that photo. I was so excited to have my cousin with me.”

 

So Percy wasn’t with someone else. I flicker of hope lights up but I blow it out quickly. I still hurt him. He may very well have moved on.

 

“Jason, I wasn’t totally honest with you last night. You asked me if I was happy. Well, I am. The distance was good. It gave me a better perspective on how I feel about you. I never stopped loving you. I grew to accept that you wouldn’t be mine, but it gave me a chance to let you go. But now, please tell me. I don’t want to ever let you go if there was even a sliver of a chance.”

 

“But…how can you possibly still love me?” My chin is quivering again.

 

“Because it wasn’t your fault I got hurt. I didn’t have the guts to tell you. And with everything that happened between you and Piper, we were always still there for each other. You calm my hyper activeness. I pull you out from your dull moods. We balance each other out.”

 

I can’t wrap my mind around this. This time, the tears that leaking are from pure joy. I pull Percy to me in a bone crushing hug. I’m here crying and he’s laughing, hugging me just as hard.

 

“You still haven’t told me, you know.” His voice is teasing and it gives me the courage to finally tell him.

 

I pull back from our embrace. “Perseus Jackson,” he’s looking at me like I’m the most precious thing in the world. My heart swells. “You were my first friend since the move back in high school. We’d meet at the locker room after practice. We’d go out for dinner or a café. We’d see movies together that we think the other would like. You’ve been my ray of sunshine when I get down. You always make me smile. I’ve always wondered how someone could have such amazing eyes like you. A mix of blues and greens, like the ocean. My ocean, wild and carefree and pulls you in when you least expect it. I’ve been an idiot for so long. And this idiot is so deeply in love with you.”

 

“I love you too, idiot.” And just like that, all the hurt we’ve been though, doesn’t matter anymore. All the drama, and the secrets. What matters now is that I have the boy I love in front of me, holding my hands for dear life, and sure as hell I am never letting him go.

 

“Can I kiss you?” God how much I want to know how soft his lips are.

 

Percy chuckles, “Took you long enough.” And he grabs my head and locks are lips together.

 

This. This right here, is why it’s okay to hurt sometimes. No matter what the hurtle, Percy Jackson is always worth it. And I am going to work my damn hardest to show him every day.

 

* * *

 

 

We spent as much time as we possibly could together. We went back home the next day after we went to the ever favored Italian restaurant. Our first official date. There were no awkward silences, no fidgeting. Just tender hand holding and chaste kisses and of course the occasional Percy jokes. It was perfect.

 

He still had to leave a little earlier to visit his Uncle and cousins. He was still going to JU. It was our last year after all, and he’s learning a lot more there. It would have been a waste to go back to OU.

 

There was a lot of late night phone calls, adjusting to the mildly different time zones, skype dates. But it was all worth it. What we have couldn’t be deterred by distance. What we have is real.

 

It’s been a long year, but it felt like no time at all. Graduation had come and gone. We couldn’t be there for each other’s ceremonies because they were too close together. But that’s okay. What’s important now is that he’s on a plane and I’m here with a gold band in my pocket.

 

A promise that I will forever keep him in my heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's all folks! It was so difficult for me finish this. I had such writer's block. I didn't know how to end it well. I hope I did it justice.
> 
> Feel free to tell me some prompts you'd like for me to write! Anything is welcome. 
> 
> And lastly, thank you for finding the time to read this. This means so much to me. I really do hope you enjoy.


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